My acting resume grows

Director’s note: The following events are real. The conversations actually occurred exactly as they are recorded. Due to the absolutely ridiculous nature of the content, the names have been changes to protect the innocent.

Scene 1: R.P. Singh, a casting agent in Delhi, is casting 15 people for a Nokia commercial. The commercial will feature a hip party that looks international enough to be anywhere people are hip and use Nokia phones. He has 10 models from Delhi of a variety of skin tones. He throws in two random black people. He now needs two white people to complete the picture. Remembering the two gorgeous and talented actors he had the chance to work with in the blockbuster film of the century, he calls up JackandSuzanne.

Scene 2: The following day at 5 pm.

Having no other life, and lured by the promise of fame and fortune, JackandSuzanne arrive at a gorgeous mansion on the outskirts of Delhi. They have no idea what they have signed up for, other than that it is some sort of commercial possibly involving Nokia. They meet a slightly dorky Finish man, flown in from Nokia to oversee the shoot.

JackandSuzanne: So what exactly is this a commercial for?

Mr. Nokia: Well, we have not yet gone public with that information so I really can’t tell you. All I can say is that it is not a product, but it is not a software either. It is a project. Basically we are going to be changing the way people communicate.

JackandSuzanne: ?

It turns out that the “star” actor knows all about this new form of communication, which he doesn’t hesitate to tell JackandSuzanne about. In the interest of avoiding a lawsuit with Nokia, the detail of said project will not be revealed on this blog, but when it does come out just remember I had the inside information.

Scene3: JackandSuzanne encounter The Director

The Director: Oh no, no one told you that you were supposed to dress like you were going to a party

JackandSuzanne (looking down at their T-shirts and jeans, which they had specifically chosen because they were told to dress like they were going to a party and these are their shirts that don’t have stains on them): No, I guess they forgot that part

The Director: We will send a driver to your apartment to pick up some clothes

JackandSuzanne (on the phone to their roommate): Can you grab the clothes in the back of the closet that are so nice we’ve never worn them here once and give them to the man at the door

Scene 4. Lounging around the mansion with the a bunch of Indian people.

Attractive Indian girl: So are you guys also models?

JackandSuzanne (inner monologue): Um, I think you have to be attractive to be a model?

JackandSuzanne: No, we’re NGO workers (inner monologue: which is almost as cool)

Attractive Indian girl: Oh. So do you party?

JackandSuzanne: Oh you know it

Attractive Indian girl: Where do you go?

JackandSuzanne: drop the name of one bar we frequent way too often

Attractive Indian girl: Oh (condescension oozes). I prefer F Bar, Lava, and Lap.

JackandSuzanne( inner monologue): Heard of F bar and Lava, would cost us our monthly salary for cover charge and one drink.

JackandSuzanne: What is Lap, we’ve never heard of it?

Attractive Indian girl: Well, you do have to be a member to get in there

Scene 5. The hair and makeup room

JackandSuzanne-minus-Jack (inner monologue): Damn why doesn’t Jack have to come into the scary room? Life is so unfair. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so judged by a group of girls in my entire life – this is like high school on steroids.

A 5’2’’ Indian man proceeds to put more makeup on JackandSuzanne-minus-Jack than she has worn in her entire life – combined.

Scene 6. JackandSuzanne sitting in the prep room. Zoolander enters. Zoolander is an 18 year old Indian male model whom JackandSuzanne just met. From a few short conversations with him it is extremely clear that he is not the brightest crayon in the box. Zoolander says nothing, just walks up to the floor length mirror and pulls his shirt up over his chest. He proceeds to swing his arms up, simultaneously breathing out and striking a bizarre model pose that accentuates his ridiculous 8-pack abs.

Zoolander: I love my abs

JackandSuzanne: Yes, they are very nice. Some of the nicest we’ve ever seen.

Zoolander: I can’t decide what to wear – he proceeds to try on multiple outfits and is actually asking JackandSuzanne to pick for him

Mr. Nokia enters the room looking for the bathroom

Zoolander: What do you think I should wear.

JackandSuzanne (inner monologue): I never thought I would see the day when a fashion model is asking us and a guy in khaki’s and a corporate-issued polo shirt what he should wear for a photo shirt.

Later in the evening JackandSuzanne will watch as Zoolander spends 15 minutes sitting in the corner by himself taking a picture of himself on his cell phone, turning it around, admiring it, and then repeating the process.

Scene 7. JackandSuzanne proceed to be involved in numerous party scenes. As is the case with all tech-related commercials, there is no dialogue, everything plays out while a bouncy, up-beat tune plays in the background. Do to the lack of dialogue, JackandSuzanne have been upgraded from extras to key players, and actually interact with the “star” actor in a scene. At 12 midnight they break for dinner. They eat food. The models eat cigarettes and water. At 3:30am the shoot wraps.

End Scene